Pile Driver Cocktail ‡

As one ages, one sometimes is required to take medications that tend to make one somewhat anally retentive, whereupon it becomes concomitantly necessary to relieve the pressures of the day and to void the underlying effect via artificial means, i.e., via visceral laxation, most naturally achieved, I am told, by way of ingesting prune juice or high-fiber foods and liquids.

The original Pile Driver cocktail, jocularly named after the Screwdriver Cocktail, consisted of equal parts of vodka, orange juice, and prune juice. Whether it ever worked, or whether you were sober after imbibing enough to make it work, is unrecorded. Anyhow, the drink seemingly never caught on* in America’s taverns in this form. A dozen or so recipes for it now may be found across the internet that are all different, none of which contain prune juice, and none of which are voted to be appetizing by those surfing the web sites. Besides, prune juice, at 45g carbohydrate per 8oz glass, it is taboo for type-II diabetics. I thought it was high time for a lower G. I. version that has been clinically proved to work in double-entendre fashion.

More suitable candidates that might actually work as intended derive from commercial products containing psyllium fiber or wheat dextrin, which is added to a liquid before ingestion. In water, the drink often tastes bland, feels grainy, and is not particularly appetizing. In a fruit juice, it is more palatable, but again glycemically undesirable.

The following two recipes are not necessarily drinks of choice, but perhaps, of exigency. But given the need, they are certainly not bad choices. They have proved to be pleasant preludes to an evening’s retirement that render the intended end* result upon rising the next morning. One even faintly resembles the original Screwdriver from whence it derives, and the other, its prune juice antecedent.

The reader should be forewarned that no more than one of these per night should be ingested, for obvious reasons!
piledriver a
  • 1 heaping tbsp orange flavored powdered fiber*
  • 2-3 tsp <sugar>
  • 8 oz cold water
  • 2 oz vodka
  • ice cubes
piledriver b
  • 1 heaping tbsp unflavored powdered fiber
  • 8 oz diet blueberry or pomegranate juice*
  • 2 oz vodka
  • ice cubes

Place the powdered ingredients in a tall glass and add the liquid; stir vigorously. Add the vodka and ice. Restir vigorously. Cheers!